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DE HOTELES Y COSAS MUERTAS. Bajé corriendo las escaleras un piso tras otro. Saltando escalones a grandes zancadas con tal de llegar lo antes posible al exterior.
Esquivé a las putas y los clientes que intentaban negociar un buen precio por horas con un recepcionista de vuelta casi de todo dispuesto a regatear y alcancé la acera casi jadeante.

Por fin en la calle.
Ya allí respiré profundamente mirando a ambos lados una avenida que cegaba con sus neones y sabor inconfundible a noche. Ahí supe que me había hecho viejo de golpe.

Pero solo necesitaba eso. Respirar. Percibir como el aire contaminado que los coches dejaban a su paso a velocidad de vértigo, entraba por mi nariz para llenar unos pulmones negros y ajados.

Sólo necesitaba eso... ¿les parece poco acaso, joder? Es constante en un fracasado que sus pretensiones nunca lleguen a mucho más.

Recuperé el pulso y algo de cordura y solo entonces decidí que debía desandar mis pasos.
Me crucé con los mismos clientes enfadados y sus putas que miraban sus relojes y hablaban entre ellas en una rutina afable y entretenida. Estuve tentado de invitar a alguna a subir, porque total, yo tenía toda la noche y no me acompañaría nadie.

Subí a la Habitación 301... Podía haber sido la 300 o la 302. Pero no era así: Era la jodida 301 en la que había pasado las últimas noches de los últimos meses encerrado con Cleo agotando con ella todos los momentos, todos los alientos, todas las posibilidades.

La habitación era sórdida. Un desvencijado cubículo en el que había ido desgastando mi moral y mi salud entre las carnes de Cleo.
En ella, había despojado al amor de ternura, al sexo de amor y a nosotros de nosotros mismos.

Cuando cruzábamos ese umbral, los dos sabíamos que ya nunca seríamos los mismos que saldrían a la mañana siguiente... Y solo por eso valía la pena, porque en esa habituación estábamos exentos de pecados y culpas, de presente, de pasado y de futuro. Estando allí los dos, el resto del mundo podía explotar que nos seguiría importando una mierda.

En la 301 había atado y desatado a Cleo.
La había amado más que a nada en el mundo.
Allí, yo había sido el hombre entre los hombres, dios de los infiernos, arcángel caído. Un Dominante con pose enjuta y seria. Su castigador y su guardián a partes iguales.
Había sido todo junto a mi diosa de carne y de huesos, y de un pelo rojo diabólico que me encadenaba junto a ella por los siglos de los siglos.
Allí, la había azotado y humillado. Allí habíamos sido animales en lucha encarnizada.
En esa estancia fue donde Cleo me regaló una entrega con fecha de caducidad al amanecer. Donde yo me había esparcido, y vaciado y derramado sin rendir cuentas, sin pedirlas, sin exigir más cambio que la sonrisa de ella.

Dejé mi chaqueta en el respaldo de la única silla que descansaba junto a un minúsculo escritorio y una televisión demasiado antigua para ser considerada incluso reliquia.
Me asomé por la ventana. Siempre pensé que unas vistas como aquellas no se merecían una habitación tan triste como esta. Pero no sé, a veces el universo te hace regalos inesperados como recompensa a tanta lujuria, tanta desesperanza y tantas noches en vela.

Alcancé el tabaco.
Saqué un cigarrillo.
El cielo seguía siendo negro y aún no se había desplomado. Eso me reconfortaba: algo debía estar en su sitio dentro de tanta locura y, que el cielo siguiera siendo endemoniadamente negro y siguiera allí, era prueba de ello.

Al encender el cigarrillo me recorrió un escalofrío y tomé consciencia de que esa noche iba a estar completamente solo. Solo en mi soledad sórdida. Dentro de una soledad de esas que no caben en el alma y que uno se busca porque quiere. Solo en mi autosuficiencia canalla y ególatra.
Solo y sin Cleo. Y sin putas. Solo.

Sentí en mi estómago la pesadez de todos mis miembros. Una especie de nudo similar al que aparece en los duelos y una punzada amenazante amago de infarto que recorrió toda mi espalda sin piedad.

Después llegó la nada. Un vacío inexplicable que hasta a los cabrones como yo nos deja sin aliento.

Cerré las ventanas y corrí las cortinas. Ya no había nada más que ver. Aparté la chaqueta de la silla como si así ganase un poco de espacio dentro de esa oscuridad íntima en la que me encontraba. Opté por estrellar la chaqueta en la cama, esa que podría contar todos los detalles de nuestros encuentros.

Pensé en conectar la radio para encontrar con ella una compañía anónima que hiciera de esa noche un lugar más agradable. Pero no joder. No lo merecía. No merecía más que lo que tenía: ese regusto en la boca a Tanqueray, a humo, a cosas muertas.

Esa noche yo no me había ganado ningún pedazo de cielo y tampoco creo que en el infierno me hubiesen dejado entrar por gilipollas. Tampoco la radio me daría consuelo... Ni la radio, ni los gatos que maullaban como para darle más empaque a la escena, ni las putas a las que pudiera pagar en ese momento para hacerme olvidar mis fracasos en sus coños... No hay redención para quién ya está condenado.

Porque esa noche, una vez despojado de toda clase de humanidad que pudiera haber ido cosechando con los años, me sabía merecedor de la completa ausencia. Por fin, joder.

Reposé la espalda en la silla incómoda que siempre intentó dar un calor de hogar impostado a la estancia. Remangué la camisa hasta los codos, aflojé el nudo de una corbata que ya no sabía ni que llevaba y dejé caer la cabeza entre mis manos.

“¿Qué frase lapidaria me diría Susana si la tuviera aquí ahora?” me dije... Y dibujar a Susana y su orujo en la barra de mi bar me hizo esbozar una sonrisa... “Quiero a esa vieja roja...” y me consoló ese hilo de calor que surgió de dentro...

Nunca me había fijado en la trama de las baldosas de nuestra habitación 301. La postura en la que me hallaba me invitó a ello... Al observarlas creí descubrir una absurda metáfora de mi propia vida: blancos y negros, grises intrincados, enfrentados en angulosas y puntiagudas formas geométricas... Un laberinto infinito sin principio y sin fin.

No sabría decir cuanto tiempo invertí en la investigación de las juntas, en sus formas, en lo descascarillado del paso del tiempo pero, algo fue seguro: solo con Cleo había sido capaz de atender de manera tan precisa, y poniendo todos los sentidos en los pequeños detalles... Y cada detalle era una parte de su infernal cuerpo.

Estoy loco por ella.

Entonces me empezó a faltar en aire de nuevo y me sentí jodido. Para paliar esa asquerosa sensación que subía reptante desde mi diafragma hasta la boca, busqué afanado otro pitillo en la chaqueta, el mechero en el pantalón y joder, todo ello me supuso un esfuerzo sobrehumano...

“Bang... Estás muerto...”

Es una putada cuando los fantasmas se empeñan en no abandonarnos del todo, en martillearnos con sus apariciones en las esquinas.

Aspiré una calada larga y profunda de mi lucky, porque soy así de chulo ¿y qué? Me despojé de mis tirantes dejándolos caer sobre mis caderas.
Hacía años que no usaba tirantes, que no me ponía ese adorno por puro snobismo, pero la ocasión lo requería así que tiré de ropero y rescaté estos negros muy propios para la ocasión.
Al verlos colgando, la corbata desanudada, descamisado, me sentí más fracasado que nunca: ya no importaba lo impecable que fuera mi vestimenta, a esas alturas de la noche, nada importaba ya...

Llamaron insistentemente a la habitación. Golpearon con los nudillos tan fuerte, con tanta desesperación que estuve tentado de abrir. Luego lo pensé mejor y decidí que fuera quien fuera, que se jodiese tanto como lo estaba yo. Y los golpes fueron disminuyendo en intensidad hasta hacerse imperceptibles...

No importa - me dije como para reafirmarme- no espero ni me esperan... Tanto si abro como si no, no será solución para nadie...

[Versión para imprimir] [Enviar]

Publicado el jueves, 11 de octubre de 2012, a las 12 horas y 35 minutos


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